i love-hate money.

i love-hate money.

feeling much better today, went back to work. jus had a great meal with vicki, jenq, may and weilin, though not much of an atmosphere, but nevertheless i enjoyed it. happy birthday weilin and jenq :)

my life is a roller coaster, up, and down, and up and down once again. bought some clothes, but it was too late to regret it especially after i came back and opened my mailbox. two months worth of phonebill, mine and kim's. shit, should have known rite? true, spent only $45 on 2 pair of shorts and a top, but still find it ridiculous that i couldn't control myself. somehow just had to urge to shop, i mean my reason was, it's the GSS after all, and i haven't had any new clothes. yet when i choose to spoil myself, i regret it somehow. sometimes i console myself by reminding myself that i never buy clothes or shoes over $20 or $25. i'm cheapo, i don't splurge. but really, does that make me feel better?

wanna know something even more disgusting? sometimes when i spend money, i start telling myself that it's okay, mum and dad are already proud of me because i've waived them 10 years worth of school fees with my scholarship.

fuck. i hate myself. i will never, and will never forgive myself for thinking this way.

anyway mum's banking in some money for me tomorrow. the past two months i've not taken any money from my parents, but looking at my account, i think it's time. i blame it on the scholarship money that comes so late all the time, and i blame it on my pay that never comes on time, and i blame myself. mum, i'm sorry. i never like asking you for money, i know times are hard. not so bad that we can't survive, but i know it's still hard.

i hate money cos it makes me sad. but i love money, cos it gives us a good life. i want to believe that money isn't everything, but it is, and that's a hard fact. i love money, and i want to work hard for it. and i hate money, cos because of it, i had to lie to someone dear to me. i know he will forgive me, but i'll never forgive myself.

work hard, that's all there is to it right? i should have known it long ago. i recall the very day i moved out from home, i cried, cried and cried the whole night in my new pillow. cos i knew that i will never ever be able to enjoy the comfort of home after school, enjoy home cooked food now and then, enjoy the joy of being around my family.

from that day onwards, i was already physically alone, out in this crazy world. and all that's left for me was to work hard to once again get back the comfort that i used to enjoy.

work hard, fung, you got to work hard.