i'm sad.

i'm sad, but i can't put a finger as to why.
and the only reason why i'm wasting time blogging now is to escape from all this before i go nuts.

i should have gone for training..i think i'd feel 10 times better if i'd met them. and i didn't manage to finish what i was supposed to anyway.

it took me the entire day to confront myself and tell myself that i'm feeling this way. sometimes we get so desperate to be happy that we try so hard to convince ourselves that we're not unhappy. and sometimes there's really no reason to be unhappy..it comes out from nothing.

at times like this, im grateful to those who lend a listening ear..thanks.
and to those to whom i don't tell, i'm sorry.

i guess the reason why i don't tell people sometimes is because
1. i don't wanna look dumb being sad over nothing.
2. i don't wanna affect people. i wanna look happy in front of everyone.
3. i fear that when people say "cheer up, i know how you feel.." but deep down i know that they never will understand how i feel.

and i fear that if im frustrated, i get greedy and do things like.. why do you not seem to be putting in effort to make me feel better? can't you try harder?

so if i look lost and sad, but i tell you i'm okay, i'm really sorry for lying.

so how do i feel exactly?
a mixture of sad, stressed, tired, lonely and very hungry. and the bruises are exceptionally painful today.
doesn't make sense? really can't express it in words..

but it's the kind of feeling where..
"if mum were to call me right now, i'd break down immediately upon picking up the phone and start to sob."

i believe there are people who experience this..not many though. maybe none even in the circle of friends around me..which is why i'd rather not tell.

it's ok, i pray today's miserableness will make me really happy tomorrow..
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12.45am - sunshine came early! :)