worried. and troubled.

after a few consecutive xiong days of studying for the last 2 quizzes of the semester, i can't help but seriously consider doing audit as a career. the more i walk in and out of my 304/306 classes, the more i cannot imagine myself doing this crazy job.

and neither can i picture myself doing tax, or financial services, or banking, or anything to do with debit and credit. yea seriously 304/306, you can just debit my ASS-et.

haha ok, don't be so bad la.

it's just that i've really had good 3 memorable and fun years in NTU..and now it scares me to wonder what the hell have i been learning for the past 3 years? and what the hell am i gonna do with my future?

don't bother asking me what i want in life, i really still don't know. is it still normal not to know at this point of time? when i have a job "pending" (again full of uncertainties) and i'm graduating in 2 months? i'm not complaining about having a job here (or at least i think i still have the job)..but i'm doubting my ability for this job.. i don't think i can last.

i've done all sorts of temp jobs - waitressing, salesgirl, admin, teaching, tax, tuition, camp instructor, telemarketing, surveying, phonathon..and the jobs that i enjoyed the most are those with interaction and kids. if that the case, does it mean i should be a surveyor? or teacher?

haha honestly, i KNOW i'm being stupid here. it's like i know i would enjoy being a teacher better than doing audit. but a part of me cannot let go of the attractive pay raises, and the opportunity to dress in officewear, and the chance to be part of the corporate world. guess it will feel like letting go of something that i've worked so hard for during the past 3 years?

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and my greatest worry of all? the thing that's been on my mind every time i go back home - i'm worried that with my pay as a teacher that i get in the future, will i be able to give mum and dad as good a life, compared to when i do audit? if that's the case..then i'd say i'm not afraid of working hard, doing OT..and i'm not afraid of being alone, so i'd rather go for the better paying job.

haha ah tao asked me last night, "want so much money for what??"
true, i don't think im a materialistic person..i don't care if i'm going out in t-shirt and shorts and flip flops. i don't need new clothes or expensive food. i hardly spend on anything other than my 3 meals. and supper lol.

i think i just feel responsible for earning more money.
i know how i'm like..if i choose to do something that pays less, i'll forever be blaming myself for taking that path. i know they want me to have a good life and will always support my choices, but i'll still feel like i'm letting them down..and i'll forever be thinking - i could have given them something more.

gosh, so i've said it. i've convinced myself.
SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM NOW?

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i guess i'm afraid what if i'm less happy doing something that pays more?
the folks always tell me to just choose to "do what you like". but is it possible to also end up to "like what you do"?
is there really a choice in life? cos i hate to say it, but at this point in time amidst the stupidly lousy economy, money IS everything.

ok ms worry wart is troubled. give me 4 bottles of beer now and i'll really end up crying on your shoulder. i don't think i'll ever discuss this with mum and dad..i already know what they will tell me.

argh..maybe i just shouldn't think about anything. after all, this economy is not the best time to trial and error, is it? mr employer, pls just tell us when we're starting the damn job so i can stop thinking nonsense.